SummerSlam '05: Preview

I won't be watching SummerSlam tonight, because I'm not about to shell out 22 euros for inevitable disappointment. But I will preview the card, because it is SummerSlam:

United States Champion Orlando Jordan vs Chris Benoit For some reason I became convinced yesterday that this match had been turned into a four-way with Christian and Booker T, but I can't seem to find anything confirming that, so it must have been a dream. Anyway, as I said before, if Chris Benoit does not leave this match as the new US Champion, I will give up on SmackDown! forever. Prediction: Benoit wins the gold - he better do.

Ladder Match: Rey Misterio vs Eddie Guerrero The bookers know they've fucked up big time with this angle, so the writers have seen fit to force it down our throats for the last month. Spicing things up with the ladder match stipulation isn't going to make it any more interesting, or take away the bad taste in everyone's mouths. Prediction: Depends on what the plans are. Reports indicate that Eddie will get a title programme with Batista after this, so that leans towards a Rey victory. But if they're determined to drag this rotting carass of an angle until it decomposes completely, Eddie will grab the custody papers.

Eugene vs Kurt Angle This one will either be a technical wrestling classic, or a horrendous dud of epic proprotions. Prediction: whoever wins, Angle will get his medals back.

The Undertaker vs Randy Orton Taker had his victory already, and Orton is in the middle of a massive push on the way back to the title picture. But Taker isn't about to let the young upstart get a clean victory over him. Prediction: Orton will cheat to win.

Matt Hardy vs Edge I'm sure the WWE sees the money in this feud, so this match will only be the first of many. Unless it really is a shoot, in which case it won't be a match at all. Prediction: Watching this will be like watching a train wreck. But we all want Hardy to win, don't we?

World Champion Batista vs JBL We all know what's gonna happen with this one: they'll both phone it in, JBL will blade himself and need a trip to the emergency room after, and the gold stays where it is. Prediction: Batista retains.

WWE Champion John Cena vs Chris Jericho Jericho will wrestle rings around the rapping fool, but there's only ever been one outcome for this one. Prediction: Cena keeps the title.

Hulk Hogan vs Shawn Michaels Ah, the Legend versus the Icon. It's the only match on the show that really matters - and let's face it, it doesn't matter that much. The whole thing only reminds me of those 'Huckster' vignettes the WWE played incessantly in the mid-90s when Hogan, Savage, et al. jumped ship to Turner-town. Who says irony's dead? Prediction: Hogan wins. Of course.

Only eight matches? And no tag team bouts? Sure, it's a one-match show (two matches if you count the smart marks) but there's no reason for the undercard to be this bland and samey. It's supposed to be SummerSlam, for fuck's sake!

Think about it: eight matches in three hours means at least 20 minutes per match. Do we really need to see 20 minutes of JBL and Batista? Do we really think Edge and Matt Hardy will last more than 3 minutes? The card could easily have been filled out with a couple of quick tag matches to break up the monontony.

SummerSlam is supposed to be the third most important show on the calendar (behind WrestleMania and the Royal Rumble) but they've shot themselves in the foot with this one.