Raw Notes 23.08.05

- What the hell going on with Shawn Michaels? Is he a face? Is he a heel? What's with the ultra-hammy acting all of a sudden? And how the hell did Chris Masters get involved in all this? The writers must be on crack or something.

- Has Shelton Benjamin's punishment finally ended? It sure seems like it. Sure, it wasn't a patch on his classic with Michaels earlier in the year, but that was a brilliant match he had with Kurt Angle, a 3-star bout at least. Now if they could build up this into a feud and give them a match on pay-per-view, that would be something worth shelling out for.

- Matt Hardy is really selling that beating he got at SummerSlam - so much so that he jobbed out to the 'Conman'. And then Edge ran down and gave him another kicking. I don't know where they're going with this, but it better be somewhere good.

- Ric Flair returned, and gave Carlito a hiding. Well they were in Flair Country, after all.

- The Big Show took on Snitsky in a snorefest that ended with a countout. A countout! That's only a few steps away from a Dusty finish!

- I noticed the Big Show shaved a bit so he looks a lot less like me now. Thankfully.

- They showed a promo for a new tag team, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. Lance Cade used to be known as Garrison Cade, before they sent him down to the minor leagues and repackaged him as a redneck cowboy, while Murdoch, of course, is a 'homage' to Dick Murdoch, with a shade or two of Dusty Rhodes about him, too.

- What is it with this Divas jealous-women angle, eh? This is the 21st century, isn't it? Oy vey.

- Shawn Michaels has apparently accepted the Master Lock Challenge for next week's show. I wonder how they'll work out that one...

- And here's tonight's main event: John Cena against Chris Jericho in a 'You're Fired!' match. Since we all knew that Jericho is leaving for a while to work on his music and spend time with his family, the result wasn't exactly a surprise. But really, did they have to make Jericho beg and plead for his spot at the end? That just totally cheapens his character. Hopefully when he comes back next year he won't be treated like such a chump.

SummerSlam '05: Results

As I said, I wasn't going to watch it. And I'm glad I didn't. Here's a quick run-down of the results:

Chris Benoit def. United States Champion Orlando Jordan Jordan was jobbed out in 30 seconds. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. In any case, Benoit is our new US Champ!

Edge def. Matt Hardy It was on a technicality, apparently; the referee stopped it due to blood loss or whatever. The IWC is debating whether it was worked or whether the turnbuckle spot was blown. You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm sure this whole thing has been a work if not from the beginning, then at least since Hardy's music was played on Raw the week before he returned. I assume that the intention of this match - if it wasn't a giant fuck-up like some are speculating - was to arouse more sympathy for Hardy, so he can get his revenge with all the fans behind him at the next pay-per-view. Seems like a wasted opportunity to me, though.

Ladder Match: Rey Misterio def. Eddie Guerrero I'm sure this would have been a great match if it weren't for the lame angle. I think most would concur that the storyline ruined their enjoyment. At least it's over now. I hope it is.

Kurt Angle def. Eugene Well Angle got his precious medals back, and it definitely wasn't a technical wrestling classic by any account. This is the worst kind of filler. I'd rather watch Animal and Heidenreich beat up on a couple of jobbers.

Randy Orton def. The Undertaker Um, they pretty much retreaded their WrestleMania match. Even down to the interference by Cowboy Bob Orton. The only part they changed was the ending. Can't these writers come up with anything fresh? Jeez.

WWE Champion John Cena def. Chris Jericho From the looks of it, it doesn't seem miles beyond an average Monday night match. Not that I was expecting much anyway, but still...

World Champion Batista def. JBL If I had payed for the show and stayed up to watch it, this is the match I would have fallen asleep to. Now if Brock Lesnar had run out at the end and given Batista an F5 right on the steel steps, that would've been something.

Hulk Hogan def. Shawn Michaels It was just a nostalgia fest, really. I'm sure it's worth something for the purposes of curiosity. But I never liked Hunk Hogan anyway. And why did Michaels turn face again at the end all of a sudden?

Considering seven out of my eight predictions proved true, and considering the lack of genuine surprised and excitement, I'm glad I saved my money.

SummerSlam '05: Preview

I won't be watching SummerSlam tonight, because I'm not about to shell out 22 euros for inevitable disappointment. But I will preview the card, because it is SummerSlam:

United States Champion Orlando Jordan vs Chris Benoit For some reason I became convinced yesterday that this match had been turned into a four-way with Christian and Booker T, but I can't seem to find anything confirming that, so it must have been a dream. Anyway, as I said before, if Chris Benoit does not leave this match as the new US Champion, I will give up on SmackDown! forever. Prediction: Benoit wins the gold - he better do.

Ladder Match: Rey Misterio vs Eddie Guerrero The bookers know they've fucked up big time with this angle, so the writers have seen fit to force it down our throats for the last month. Spicing things up with the ladder match stipulation isn't going to make it any more interesting, or take away the bad taste in everyone's mouths. Prediction: Depends on what the plans are. Reports indicate that Eddie will get a title programme with Batista after this, so that leans towards a Rey victory. But if they're determined to drag this rotting carass of an angle until it decomposes completely, Eddie will grab the custody papers.

Eugene vs Kurt Angle This one will either be a technical wrestling classic, or a horrendous dud of epic proprotions. Prediction: whoever wins, Angle will get his medals back.

The Undertaker vs Randy Orton Taker had his victory already, and Orton is in the middle of a massive push on the way back to the title picture. But Taker isn't about to let the young upstart get a clean victory over him. Prediction: Orton will cheat to win.

Matt Hardy vs Edge I'm sure the WWE sees the money in this feud, so this match will only be the first of many. Unless it really is a shoot, in which case it won't be a match at all. Prediction: Watching this will be like watching a train wreck. But we all want Hardy to win, don't we?

World Champion Batista vs JBL We all know what's gonna happen with this one: they'll both phone it in, JBL will blade himself and need a trip to the emergency room after, and the gold stays where it is. Prediction: Batista retains.

WWE Champion John Cena vs Chris Jericho Jericho will wrestle rings around the rapping fool, but there's only ever been one outcome for this one. Prediction: Cena keeps the title.

Hulk Hogan vs Shawn Michaels Ah, the Legend versus the Icon. It's the only match on the show that really matters - and let's face it, it doesn't matter that much. The whole thing only reminds me of those 'Huckster' vignettes the WWE played incessantly in the mid-90s when Hogan, Savage, et al. jumped ship to Turner-town. Who says irony's dead? Prediction: Hogan wins. Of course.

Only eight matches? And no tag team bouts? Sure, it's a one-match show (two matches if you count the smart marks) but there's no reason for the undercard to be this bland and samey. It's supposed to be SummerSlam, for fuck's sake!

Think about it: eight matches in three hours means at least 20 minutes per match. Do we really need to see 20 minutes of JBL and Batista? Do we really think Edge and Matt Hardy will last more than 3 minutes? The card could easily have been filled out with a couple of quick tag matches to break up the monontony.

SummerSlam is supposed to be the third most important show on the calendar (behind WrestleMania and the Royal Rumble) but they've shot themselves in the foot with this one.

SmackDown! Notes 19.08.05

- There's nothing like a ten-minute Eddie Guerrero promo dragging out the wretchd custody angle even further to lick off a show, is there?

- SmackDown! was in Toronto, Canada (aka Bizarro-world) this week, at the Air Canada Centre. I was there - well, I saw the building from the outside, about 100 yards away across some grassy knolls from the CN Tower. It doesn't look so big from the outside, even though it seats about 20,000. But then again, the fucking-massive SkyDome (excuse me, I should say Rogers Centre, shouldn't I?) is right next door, so it's a matter of perspective.

- Oh joy. Sharmell taking on Melina in a mixed tag match? They're really working to keep me tuned in this week. At least Booker T looks like he's having fun, getting to work with his wife in a job that he loves...

- Maybe I spoke too soon: setting up a dissention in the ranks angle, are they?

- Seriously, if Chris Benoit doesn't win the US title at SummerSlam, I will give up on SmackDown! forever.

- Heidenreich finally got his spikes!

- According to Animal, Heidenreich has heart like Hawk had heart. Oh, Hawk had heart all right - he died of an enlarged one! ZING! Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week.

- Funaki really is the Number One Announcer. But I hope he's making a ton of money, 'cause otherwise there's no excuse for him not to be wrestling for a much higher-quality Japanese league.

- Can the money be worth it, though, considering he's getting stuck in squash matches with the despicably racist JBL? Maybe he's a masochist...

- Did you notice Batista whacked JBL with the metal frame when he gave him that chair shot? That had to hurt! Serves the redneck prick right.

- Hold the phone! SmackDown! in good match shocker! It was a short one, sure, but Rey Misterio v Simon Dean was actually worth watching for a match with nothing to it angle-wise. (They are ECW alumni, which probably explains it.)

- Christian filled the house with his peeps - we are in Bizarro-world, after all. But did they have to punk him out on his own show?

- I fast-forwarded right through the Benoit/Orton match without even noticing, so I rewound the tape and played it through again, and I saw why - resthold after resthold after resthold. Sure, the crowd might have been into it, but only because Benoit was there. Even on fast-forward it bored me senseless.

- Of course Orton had to go over, because his SummerSlam match with The Undertaker has much higher profile than Benoit's title shot. And at least they tried to build some heat for the latter by having Orlando Jordon interfere. Seems more like a booker's idea than a writers...

Overall, a real let down of a show that did fuck-all to build up for SummerSlam with any real conviction. It's clear that Raw has all the big matches for tonight's event. SmackDown! is just an afterthought.

Hardy v Edge - Round One: The Verbal Fistfight

So the big buzz on the interweb this week is the Byte This! special that pitted Matt Hardy against Edge and Lita in a fifteen-minute insult-fest. This whole thing started on the net, so I guess the WWE is just giving the IWC what they want and keeping the feud mostly net-based. (Even though it'll make their match at SummerSlam tomorrow a bit of a puzzle for those who only learned of the whole situation through Hardy's speech on Raw a couple of weeks ago, but how and ever.)

I think I agree with the general concensus that Matt Hardy didn't come off too well, but that's because he wasn't really cutting a promo. He sounded like an average guy who's been turned on by a former friend. Now that I think about it, maybe that is his promo...

What everyone else seems to be saying, though, is that Adam 'Edge' Copeland came out of this as the winner. But really, if anything this display just confirmed for me his status as the Biggest Douchebag in the Universe. He's such a smarmy git, he probably never ever has to cut a promo, because that's the guy he really is. Ugh.

The only person who came out of this at all well was Lita - or Amy, since this is 'real life' and all - because she actually admitted her guilt in going behind Hardy's back (the first time that's ever been acknowledged, to my knowledge). But she seemed perfectly happy to sit there and let her new beau Edge trash-talk him over and over, so she's not in my good books just yet. I have to say, I don't see her relationship with Edge lasting very long, considering his reputation - and especially since he seems perfectly content to drag her into his ego war with Hardy - so if anyone is going to be the biggest loser out of this mess when it's all said and done, I think it'll be her.

All in all, I can understand his frustration but if Matt Hardy is exploiting this situation beyond his real feelings for professional gain, then he doesn't deserve any more of our sympathy. And he doesn't need to involve Amy in this anymore, since she's admitted her wrongdoing (though it did take her a while). His spat with her is water under the bridge by now, so he really doesn't have to whine any longer: Matt, we get it. You can shut up now and concentrate on the match.

On the other hand, Adam Copeland deserves nothing but contempt - he's the kind of guy who says "everyone makes mistakes" but then uses it as an excuse to be an asshole and get away with it. Sadly, it's that attitude that'll probably guarantee his place in the wrestling business for at least the next decade (until he crosses the wrong person, that is).

I hope Hardy surprises everyone tomorrow night and shoots on him big time. That'll teach the lanky goof.

Raw Notes 16.08.05

- "Who's your daddy, Montreal?!" Priceless! I haven't heard a crowd so hostile in years. And you can tell Shawn Michaels was loving every minute of it.

- But pulling that prank with Bret's entrance theme was a bit too cheap for my tastes, especially since they did exactly the same thing with Matt Hardy about a month ago. Short memories, eh?

- I've decided that The Heart Throbs are the 21st century Bushwackers. I defy you to disagree.

- With that new beard of his, the Big Show looks a lot like me. Oh dear god NO!!

- Presumably, Kurt Angle is feuding with Eugene because he wants to take it easy on that neck of his. But come on, Eugene? At SummerSlam? My, how the mighty have fallen...

- Oh I'm so happy the Diva Search is finally over. I see why Ashley won - she's a 'rock chick' type, allegedly, even though she's no great looker and hopeless on the mic - but Elizabeth was the prettiest out of the last three, not to mention the most telegenic, and the most natural at cutting promos. But I guess that's what happens when you let the public vote.

- Oh yay, another recap of the Hardy/Lita/Edge saga - "Edge, you destroyed my dream of one day having children." Er, Matt? He didn't cut your balls off, did he?

- Carlito Canadian Cool! "That's cool, eh?" Ha!

- Jericho and Cena have fought each other so often that, frankly, their match at SummerSlam won't be anything special to me. I know it's the way they do things in these times - but I remember the good ol' days, when matches would be built up for weeks or months, and the two adversaries would barely meet face to face until the day of their match. There's be a tease now and then, maybe a sudden confrontation or a stand-off just before the big event - but they'd save the big match for that one special night, and make the whole show worth watching even if the rest of the card was a dud. Not so anymore...

- Val Venis has been on TV a lot lately, on a losing streak. Remember when he wasn't a Jobber to the Stars? Those were the days...

- Rob Conway's push continues, but the booking made no sense. I mean, why job out one half of the tag team champions? Sloppy sloppy sloppy!

- And for the main event: bad neck guy versus bad hip guy. Oh yeah, this is what wrestling's all about! And again, they gave us way too much with Shawn Michaels coming out at the end to have a mini-match with Hogan. Though I must confess to cackling with evil glee when Michaels used the Sharpshooter. I hope he had an armed escort to the hotel afterwards!

In Other News, Hell Has Frozen Over

Bet you never thought you'd see the day that Bret Hart would shake hands with Vince McMahon, let alone let a picture be taken of him doing so, did you? Next thing we know he'll be inviting Shawn Michaels and Earl Hebner around to his place for tea and biscuits.

Kazarian Gone?

Reports indicate that Frankie Kazarian is already gone from the WWE, barely a month after he made his TV debut.

Rumour has it that he wasn't happy with how we was being used. He's been a regular on Velocity the last few weeks, and had yet to compete on SmackDown! to my knowledge. Maybe he felt insulted by being relegated to the lesser show - but my understanding of Velocity's current direction was that it's a place for talent that the WWE wants to bring up from the developmental territories to prove themselves in the big league, a place for the kind of matches and the kind of wrestling that's frowned upon in prime time these days. Maybe Kazarian felt he was beyond that.

Or maybe, like a growing number of former WWE grapplers of the cruiserweight persuasion, he realised that a contract with Vince isn't the pinnacle that it used to be. After all, he's not the first to opt out of a run with the federation. Spanky did it, and went on to plenty of success in Japan and with fresh new promotions like Pro Wrestling Guerrilla. James 'Jamie Knoble' Gibson bounced right back after his firing from the company and lent Ring of Honor some much-needed mainstream credibility. And didn't AJ Styles turn down a developmental contract a couple of years ago? Maybe Kazarian is merely following their lead, and just going with the trend of the young guns forging out on their own.

Creative Review

Lots of news about the WWE's writers and creative direction on Inside Pulse last week. Not sure if I believe it all, but even so:

- It's nice to see that Heyman has booking reins again. With him and Tommy Dreamer in control, they've got a real opportunity to produce some great stuff in OVW and try things they couldn't do with ECW. Might be worth getting some of their TV shows in future (if I do, I'll let you know).

- I'm convinced that Vince McMahon can only come up with the goods when he's threatened by real competition. Back in the 80s he had a nation to conquer and the NWA to crush. In the early-to-mid 90s? Nothing - and the product went to pot as a result. Then in the late 90s WCW surged forward and stole their crown, so Vince kicked into gear, yanked it right back, and then bought them for good measure. And now, in 2005, with no competition in sight, Vince's 'great creative mind' seems to have abandoned him. It's his own fault, but his ego is so massive that he can't see it.

- Isn't it funny how one of the new Raw writers doesn't know a basic term like 'getting heat'? Isn't it a gas that one of the others was convinced that all the blood is fake? ('Cause who would be crazy enough to cut themselves open with a sliver of razor blade for a 'fake' sport?) Isn't it just laughable that someone would take a job with a company without even attempting to do a little research about the industry beforehand?

- At least Court Bauer has some experience in the business, even though he's a comparative blow-in. Despite what others are saying, it was a smart move to give him the book for Velocity; I bet the other writers are just sick about it, and that makes me very happy.

SmackDown! Notes 12.08.05

- Booker T opened the show with a match so unmemorable that I had to rewind the tape to the beginning to check if he was on it.

- Christian's guest on the Peep Show was Batista, who exemplifies my rule that no WWE wrestler shoud be seen wearing anything other than their wrestling gear.

- Heidenreich's got the face paint; all he needs now is a set of shoulder pads with spikes on them. And a cool animal name. Like 'Giraffe'. Or 'Startled Deer'. Okay, maybe he can skip the name part.

- Teddy Long put the returning Randy Orton in a match against someone from the Undertaker's past. Who could it be? I ran though a list in my head... Superfly... The Berserker... Giant Gonzales... Dusty Rhodes... the fake Undertaker... the spirits of Terry Gordy and Yokozuna... but no, it turned out to be Kamala. Who now seems like a parody of himself, if that makes any sense. Lots of belly-slapping ensued, as you can imagine. The only exciting moment was when Kim Chee lost his hat. Some kid in the crowd got real lucky with that one.

- The Rey Rey/Guerrero saga drags on. Now Rey has challenged Eddie to a match at SummerSlam where the winner gets sole custody of Dominik. Oh that's really gonna make your son happy, Rey, really. Excuse me while I wash the bad taste from my mouth.

- William Regal wants so little to do with the Mexicools that he'll even turn heel on Scotty 2 Hotty just to get away from them!

- It's more and more obvious that the writers and bookers are clueless when it comes to Chris Benoit. They don't have the skill or the wherewithall to play up his strengths to hide his weaknesses. The solution is pretty simple, and I'm sure Paul Heyman would agree: give him the US title, put some lustre back on the belt, and make his matches (against pretty much anyone) worth watching. But alas, it seems the WWE is no place for wrestlers anymore...

- Christian got his thanks-for-not-causing-a-stink match with Batista at the end of the show. Pity, though, that it was just a set-up for Batista's feud with JBL. Poor Christian. He could have a great feud with Benoit, but he's stuck taking backdrop after backdrop from the 'Animal'. Alas...

Wrestlers Swearing? Never!

Care of A Whole Lotta Nothing, here's a 'screentest' (NSFW) for the HBO series Entourage, featuring some old WWF favorites swearing like troopers (oh, and Diamond Dallas Page, who looks about my age compared to the others).

What the Brock is Going On?

So it was reported last week on the WWE website that Brock Lesnar "has decided to withdraw from any involvement with the company". That prompted much discussion among the IWC, with pretty much unanimous agreement that the whole thing is a work.

I tend to agree. If you visit the WWE's news page on the story today, you'll see there's no mention any more of Lesnar turning down their contract offer, and no mention of Brock at all on the main news page.

What that says to me is that he's already put ink to paper, and he'll make a 'surprise' return sometime soon. The fan boy in me would like it to be at SummerSlam, but I don't credit WWE Creative with that much imagination.

Raw Notes 09.08.05

- Okay, so first Pittsburgh turned into Bizarro-world, with Eugene getting booed out of the building while the dastardly heel Kurt Angle (who, lets not forget, was a rapist in his most recent storyline) got the loudest ovation he's had in years. Then Angle tried to piss it all away by insulting the crowd - but strangely still gets cheers and chants in his favour. To top all that off, Hulk Hogan comes out for the cheapest heat ever, and now suddenly everyone's cheering for Eugene again. I don't know anything anymore.

- Shelton Benjamin got fed to the lions again. I can just imagine the bookers' meeting now: "So, this Masters guy is more reckless than Hardcore Holly, but dammit, Vince has spent so much money on him, he has to wrestle someone!" "Who have we got heat with this month?" "Benjamin?" "Hell, let's teach that young punk a lesson!"

- You can tell how sorry JR feels for the guy as he calls the match. It's like a punishment for him too, having to put up with the King and the Coach pushing Masters to the rafters (the King sure changed his tune quickly, didn't he?).

- Did Big Vis say 'Mu Fanchu'?

- Why is Vis getting a push, anyway? At least the Conman went over; I'm starting to like this new direction for Rob Conway. But he's missing something... like a manager, maybe, or a valet. If you're gonna go old school, you might as well go all the way.

- Poor Chad Patton. I call for another referees' strike!

- You know, I don't know whether JR really hates the Coach, or if it's all just a work to keep the smart marks guessing.

- Matt Hardy returned, officially, and really took it to the 'roid freak Snitsky. He's put on a lot of muscle in the year since his last match, so he doesn't look like such an underdog. Still no shooting on Johnny Ace, though.

Hmm, was that it? I guess the rest of the show wasn't worth commenting on.

Juvi in the Good Books (and Some Fantasy Booking)

The WWE higher-ups, according to the Pro Wrestling Torch, are very high on Juventud Guerrera at the moment, "despite his reputation for being a troublemaker" (which so far in his tenure with the E has included stealing other wrestlers' moves; and oiling up his torso so he looks better on camera, for the ladies). One wonders, though, why they would saddle him with such a blatantly racist gimmick if they think so highly of him?

While we're on the subject, here's what I'd do with the Mexicools. First, I'd scrap that whole gimmick. I'd rename the trio 'Latino Heat', and set them up as henchmen for Eddie Guerrero. Their presence could make the whole Rey Rey/Guerrero angle slightly bearable; Eddie could call them 'mi familia' or whatnot, they could interfere in his matches and treat him like a hero.

Not only that, but they could provide Eddie with a guarantee in his match against Rey at SummerSlam, turning the feud on its head and making Misterio the real underdog. With everything to lose, and a gauntlet of three goons at ringside to run, Rey Misterio might actually face a challenge that people could get behind.

But, unfortunately, I'm not a writer for the WWE. And even if I was, something tells me Stephanie McMahon would shoot down my ideas.

Spanky's Back!

It looks like Spanky and Jamie Knoble are heading back to the WWE within the next couple of months, to beef up the cruiserweight division. One wonders why the WWE are taking these two back but saw fit to fire Billy Kidman and Akio last month.

They'd better be doing it for the money, because I know Spanky wasn't happy there the last time (I mean, even Hustle didn't treat him that badly!).

Cruisers Grounded?

According to 'inside sources', it seems that the WWE has banned its cruiserweights from performing high-risk aerial moves during their matches. Paul London is apparently upset about it, and so he should be (maybe that's why his promo on Velocity last week was so cringingly bad - he was getting back at his bosses! Yeah, that's right!).

Um, forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but isn't the whole point of having cruiserweights being that they fly around a lot and use the top rope? If they can't even do that, then why bother?

What is the WWE playing at? This makes no sense at all. It's like when Bill Watts banned top rope moves in WCW back in 1992, and pretty much killed off their light heavyweight division. Hell, it's like banning the Irish whip because someone got a rope burn.

Lance Storm Speaks His Mind

Lance Storm, whose website is always good for a peek into behind-the-scenes life, has posted a couple of insightful commentaries as of late.

One is on the use of steroids in professional sports and his feelings on the matter.

The other discusses the apparent death of kayfabe in the wrestling world. (He mentions the significance of WOW Magazine - co-founded by our very own Blake Norton, who I had the good fortune to interview late last year.)

It's not often that a high-profile wrestler (and a highly respected one to boot) is so candid about the industry, so these are well worth a read.

SmackDown Notes 05.08.05

SmackDown! was rotten this week. Here's why:

- That stupid Rey Rey/Guerrero feud continued, taking up almost an hour of showtime, and now Christian was sadly thrown into the mix. The poor bastard.

- The new writers can't write. For just one example, surely the whole point of this new Gillian character is that the thing on her face is supposed to be like the elephant in the living room that everyone knows is there, but no one talks about. So to have Gillian cut an atrociously-scripted promo all about it on only her second appearance on TV makes zero sense, and only serves to complete negate the gimmick.

- The WWE is supposed to be hiring all these new scriptwriters from Hollywood to give their product more 'mainstream appeal', more Tinseltown sheen or whatever, and the smart marks complain that they shouldn't be there because they have so little knowledge of wrestling. Silly boys; can't you see that it's not just wrestling they know nothing about? One has to wonder why these 'Hollywood' writers would want to abandon their movie star dreams for a WWE paycheque... could it be that they couldn't get any other work, because they're shit?

- It's obvious the bookers have no clue what to do with Chris Benoit and Booker T. It's pretty simple to me - give Benoit the US title and have him feud with Booker or Christian - but I guess at this stage, common sense is beyond them.

- 'Contract signings' for matches that might actually be watchable are good for a laugh - but Batista versus JBL won't be a good match. (However I am, despite myself, starting to warm to Batista. But I also see his major flaw as a character: he's too real, too laid-back, when he should be much larger than life.)

You know things are going wrong when Velocity is better written and more entertaining than SmackDown!.

Raw Notes 02.08.05

I'm back! With another running commentary - from yours truly! For the full experience, this is best read while watching the show (but for health and safety reasons, I highly advice against that):

- At the top of the show, Jericho rambled on about John Cena. Cena did a run in, of course, and they slapped each other's ears in that silly way as wrestlers do. Eric Bischoff squealed about something or other, then made Jericho the special referee for Cena's title defense against Carlito. Deja vu? Or uninsipred booking? You decide.

- I love it when JR says Chris Masters is "a great wrestler" because it's so obvious he can't stand the guy.

- Shelton Benjamin's been relegated to teaming with The Big Show? Please JR, you gotta help the kid! (Even if he did go and get his feel caught on the ropes again - seriously, Shelton, practice!)

- There's a dichotomy arising here: JR and the KIng have been putting Benjamin over wildly, but the booking team seem determined to bury him. I wonder what Shelton himself feels about it; I know his friend Charlie Haas doesn't have the kindest words to say about the writers (in the latest issue of Power Slam, he calls Dave Lagana a "jerk" and "a mark for himself").

- Despite myself, I like Eugene. And it was smart to book Christy as his cheerleader.

- What do you bet Eugene will be the first to be sacrificed to the Boogeyman when he finally debuts?

- Tatanka's lost a little weight since the last time I saw him, about three years ago at IWW's debut show. But who am I kidding? He's still pretty fat. He could rival Animal in the belly stakes! Time to hit the gym, Chavis!

- I noticed Vince McMahon didn't do that stupid-ass strut to the ring. I had a feeling it couldn't be good for his health.

- Vince's big announcement? Matt Hardy is back - officially, this time! Ooh, big surprise. Let's hope they keep him around for a while, and give him a chance to prove himself.

- But keep him away from the mic, please. He needs more promo work than Chris Benoit. Although that remark about wishing Adam Copeland dead in a car crash was a nice touch. He's not bitter at all, that Hardy fella.

- I was disappointed, though, that he didn't shoot on Johnny Ace like he's been doing for the past few weeks. I guess now that Johnny's his boss again he has to keep his trap shut. Shame.

- JR's disdain for 'Kerwin White' echoes my own. I mean, seriously, what the fuck?

- Jerry Lawler: "You can always tell when JR doesn't like somebody. He always says 'they're a tremendous athlete'." Bingo!

- More commentary goodness:
Coach: "You do know what rhymes with 'venis', don't you?"
JR: (silence)
Coach: "Meanness."
JR: "Meanness?"
Coach (to King): "That wasn't what JR was thinking."

- No wonder JR hates the guy.

- I have to say, Shawn Michaels does a pretty good impression of Hulk Hogan, brother.

- Actually, now that I think about it, it's more like Superstar Billy Graham.

- Nice to see John Cena getting the chutzpah slapped out of him by Jericho and Carlito at the end. Didn't really count as a match, though.